The cross-Solent ferry market is highly competitive and Asmara and Dira and the Isle of Wight Ferry Enthusiasts website are pleased that the OFT’s final report has demonstrated that the market is working well for passengers.

However, we now wish to expose things which are unfair about the Isle of Wight.

1. Moira Stewart and Pam St Clement haven’t opened one of their themed “Moi St Clem” cafes selling a great selection of sandwiches, cakes, biscuits, confectionery and hot and cold drinks.

Pat on the bar

Moira Stewarts flicking the news pages

2. The Isle of Wight only has one Poundland.  Asmara and Dira and the Isle of Wight ferry Enthusiasts website would like one in Cowes and Ryde to allow the purchase of £1 sandwiches.  Nurishing in a sawdust with mayo way.

Lunch lunch lunch we love lunch

3. We can’t have bigger ferries operating to the Isle of Wight.  We would like to see a bigger packages on offer in the self-attention cafeterias.

4. The Busy Bee Garden Centre on the Brading Road, Ryde claims to be “More than just a garden centre”.  This is a Blair-faced lie, it is just a garden centre.

5. 1.22% of the Isle of Wight population are serving criminals, this compares to a national average of 0.14%.  We recommend the St Catherine ferry of Wightlink is used to house any prisoners in future.  Failing that we suggest that politicians and failed popstars be banned from buying homes on the Island.

6. Fat Harry’s chip shop in Brady makes a mockery of people carrying additional weight who like chips.  Dead singer Harry White was born on the Isle of Wight and would have been appalled that it was his waistline rather than libido that is being remembered in this way.  If anything it should be called Dirty Harry’s.

The Number 5 Cowes chain ferry, things named 5 are generally good except the band Five who were rubbish and once sang a duet with Su Pollard

What image does the word Cowes create in the window of your mind?

Maybe a big thing with udders and we aren’t talking drug taking, accountant beating off Kerry Katona?

Today we are talking Cowes in the Isle of Wight.

East Cowes smells, but West Cowes, the home of the Red Jets is really good.

We recently got the number 4 bus to East Cowes to meet our friends Bert and Linda Hardcock for dinner.  It was a while since we had eaten out as a group.

After we met and greeted them and sized up the poor options for dinner we thought, well “Sometimes you’re better off dead, There’s gun in your hand and it’s pointing at your head, You think you’re mad, too unstable, Kicking in chairs and knocking down tables, In a restaurant in a East Cowes town, Call the police, there’s a madman around, Running down underground to a dive bar, In a East Cowes town. In a East Cowes town, a dead end world, The East Cowes boys and West Cowes girls, In a East Cowes town, a dead end world, The East Cowes boys and West Cowes girls, West Cowes girls.”

After a game of stone, paper, scissors we decided to make use of the Cowes Chain Ferry and go to exciting West Cowes.

The Cowes Chain Ferry is not some sort of sex game for those into domination and M&Ms, it is a ferry by another name. It is also called The Floating Bridge, Jasper’s Carrot or the Pear and Pineapple.

We arrived at the slipway to see the ferry approach, Dira felt a kick at this point, and no it wasn’t Speed or Ecstasy, clearly baby Memasak was getting excited Clearly we are going to have a family of isle of wight ferry enthusiasts TM.

Like a Mambo the ferry is named Number 5.

Having used the overpriced Vectis bus we didn’t have a car so we didn’t have to pay to drive a car onboard. Our favourite type of ferry travel, free ferry travel.

We soon took our seats in the starboard lounge.

I regret to announce that this ship lacks any sort of facilities, not even a self-attention cafeteria. Dira thought that sucked. The wooden seats are rather sore on the bottom, rather like being whipped with chains.

The ferry chugged and scraped her way to West Cowes and onboard we spotted big Maureen. She was loudly ejaculating how she was meeting a taxi driver who was going to look at her motor and though it has a few miles the clock he could give it a good servicing.

A smooth crossing was enjoyed and we were soon preparing to disembark over the West Cowes slipway.

Overall, we enjoyed our trip on No 5, she is like a Swan that is rather ugly and makes mechanical chunking sounds.

Randy the dog, owned by Dira's friend Cindy!

Every dog should have a name and every Wight Ryder should be named in the customary manner but preferably not be given a canine name like Rover, Buster, Rhianna or LeeRoy.

Today at 11:00 the pimp and ceremony of the namings took place.

This involved an erection at the Gunwharf Terminal which had flags around it and a marquee.

Following the namings Wight Ryder I sailed to Lymington and back whilst Wight Ryder 2 remained on the incredible hulk.

We will have an in-depth review later including a Hello style summary of what the guests were wearing. In the meantime we are off to bake brownies.

The ferry company Celtic Link is to start a Portsmouth to Cherbourg route on 1st October.  we aren’t sure if this company is related to the Celtic football team, if so perhaps the crew will wear Celtic football kit.  Dira would like that! 

What we can reveal is as follows that the vessel will have a capacity of 130 trucks or 500 cars, and will be capable of carrying 1000 passengers. ALL PASSENGERS AND FREIGHT CUSTOMERS WILL BE ABLE TO TRAVEL 365 DAYS A YEAR ON THE NEW ROUTE!!! The Vessel will be operating under British Flag and her crew will be composed of British seafarers. The Vessel will be used on the CHERBOURG to PORTSMOUTH route during the week and will replace Celtic Link’s MV DIPLOMAT on the current week-end sailing to ROSSLARE. The ship will be used from CHERBOURG to ROSSLARE on Fridays and from ROSSLARE to CHERBOURG on Saturdays . With a service speed of 24 knots, the crossing time between the Irish Port and the French Port will be 16 hours. The MV DIPLOMAT will maintain the Tuesdays and Thursdays sailings from Rosslare to Cherbourg and the Wednesdays and Sundays sailings from Cherbourg to Rosslare. The MV DIPLOMAT will be used on the CHERBOURG – PORTSMOUTH route during the week-end while the new Vessel is on the FRANCE to IRELAND route, giving Customers a guarantee of a daily departure from either CHERBOURG or PORTSMOUTH. For both passenger and freight Customers, CELTIC LINK FERRIES (IRELAND) LIMITED will be the cheapest of all operators on the Western Channel and Irish Continental routes.

We do look forward to reviewing the new ferry and comparing and contrasting to the other related operators.  We hope they go for Irish themed names for the onboard facilites, the Gerry Adams’ Arms Pub, the Priest’s Children’s Play Area, Patrick Fitzwilliam Mens toilets, Sinead O’Connor Ladies Toilets, the Henry Kelly Going for gold casino, the Terry Wogan reclining sea lounge,  the Graham Norton Gift Shop and the “Coal in the bath Self Attention cafeteria” (we are told all Irish people used to keep their coal in the bath). 

We have found these images of a Celtic Link ferry at Portsmouth which we do hope you will enjoy like dancing through the autumn leaves, until you trample on dog’s dirties.

The celtic ship beside the Brittany Ferries ferry. we like the reclining seats on Brittany Ferries they give you more privacy than on a red jet.

We do like the look of this ship, big and long. we are sure it would swallow up the trade and spit it out on the other side in the form of a queue of traffic from a ferry.

Last week we took a trip on the St Cecilia having gone to Portsmouth to have a look around the shops and also enjoy the kite festival. We always like Kites, they remind us a little of the dreams of a lifetime, you have to hold on them and follow them and have strings.  But unlike kites, it is often a good thing to let go of a dream, especially if it revolves around going for a ride with Maureen from driving school.

On the ferry home on the St Cecilia ferry we visited the self attention buffet cafeteria where we noted none other than conspiracy theorist David Icke who lives in Ryde.  We entered a light hearted chat about reptilian humanoids and how he thinks Tony Blairs is one.  This made us laugh as we always thought he was simply married to a zombie flesh eater.  David told us that he is a fan of the car ferries and frequently sails on the St Clare to collect his thoughts about the evil of the Global elite, though occasionaly just munches on a muffin out on deck whilst listening to Alesha Dixon.

David posed for some pictures with us but unfortunately Asmara managed to get Dira’s Siemens phone covered in salty spray  and the pictures failed to come out.  Instead please enjoy a photographic diary of our trip outward on the St Cecilia.

We love David. On leaving us he gave us one bit of advice.  He said do not trust news from the government, do not believe what you hear anywhere until the divine forces of good and evil battle to tell you what is factually true and not a dangerous lie.

She is due to enter service very soon and we believe that a brass brand has had a quarrel over whether or not to dedicate a version of Alvin Stardust’s My Coo Ca Choo to the new ship.  One passionate member of the band felt it important, the rest thought he was delusional.

Last Thursday we decided it was time to visit Southampton to visit Babies’R'Us and the West Quay shopping centres for shopping and shopping related activities along with a baked potato from Fat Jackets and some Lovejuice.  Our favourite lunch and relatively healthy too, nothing beats off a drop of Lovejuice in the morning.

We arrived at the West Cowes Red Jet terminal, skipping and a’jumpin only to find a big crowd including Big Maureen.  Big Maureen is well known on the Isle of Wight for resembling Maureen from Driving School, her loud voice and big body parts make her a joy to see, she is best known for expressions such as “I’m not happy” and “I don’t like that”.  Unfortunately Maureen was remonstrating with the ticket clerkess claiming that on a previous occasion the Red Jet had made her late for an appointment at a beauty salon in Southampton and it better not happen again.  We would ejaculate that her missing her appointment would save her money otherwise wasted but are any of us in a position to judge the credibility of others?

We soon made our way to the front of the queue where we bought our tickets using our Thomas Cook credit card. We do wish they would install a self-attention machine.  Being able to produce a ticket for ourselves would save us in the small talk with personnel who although friendly could be construed as being nosey, asking us about travel plans. 

It was time, as is customary, to make our way up the passageway of excitement to the Red Jet.

It is always exciting to see which craft it is and on this occasion it was Red Jet 3 which is always slightly disappointing as her passenger capacity is lower than Red Jet 4 meaning that people can overhear conversations and restricts the ability to be creative in enjoying your ferry travel.

An eastern European attendant named Armando was on duty to collect the tickets.  He looked rather like BBC Royal Correspondent Nicholas Witchell but unlike Nicholas Witchell we doubt he has ever sat on a lesbian on live TV..

It was time to board the good ship Reddie Jetty Three.

The craft smelt like a Red Jet should smell and the nice racks had large bags sitting on them for passengers eager to deposit their load.

Our favourite seats on the craft, at the back where few people sit were taken by Big Maureen whose booming voice announced her displeasure at not being on Red Jet 5 but looked forward to a curry that evening with her taxi driver friend Barbara.  In the end we ended up sitting towards the top end of the ship and the related area.  We tend to prefer the rear end where a bit of fun doesn’t disturb other passengers.

Soon the craft was to make a familiar scene and depart the berth, we enjoyed the safety video.  Of all the safety videos we have enjoyed, we enjoy these most as they remind us of Christmas and visiting Southampton to enjoy the Christmas and Christmas related products on offer.  We are quite sure that ferry enthusiasts would buy DVDs of safety videos.

We did consider ordering refreshments from the onboard bar but decided not to in case it spoilt the taste of our Lovejuice later in the morning.

The ship soon began to pick up speed in the same manner as Kerry Katona returning from leaving her kids at school for the day.

WWAAAAAAAAAAH

We passed Red Eagle…

WOAAGGGHHHHHHH

We passed Red Osprey….

WANGGGGGGGGO000

We passed Red Falcon

We sank into our comfortable leather seats with a feel for luxury like a luxury cruise liner and related facilities.

Even the carpet feels deep, plush and exciting, rather like a rocket exploding on a black background..

Having once spent an entire crossing staring at the ceiling of the Red Jet 1, it was nice to remind ourselves of the attractive non-woodchip related ceiling

We departed the ferry at Southampton, with a tear in the eye like leaving a special one, for that is what Red Jet 3 is, a special one.  Such a happy crossing had been had with the sun shining, a good buzz along the water and the thought of shopping and lunch ahead.  If everyday was like this, one would become a cumuter living our lives in the red jet way, everyday, everyweek, every month, every year.

We do recommend the red Jet 3, go do a trip on her before you become too frail to do so.

Open your minds and sample the fun of a Red Jet.  They are unique in the ferry world and well worth developing a marriage of ferry affection.

Russell Kew joins Wightlink from 7th September as Chief Executive Officer. He has been Managing Director of Condor Logistics for 9 years and was previously Operations Director with Frigoscandia Ltd.

We look forward to meeting Russ and sharing our Wightlink news, reviews, opinions and fantasies.

We have no picture of Russ Kew so here is a picture of Kew Gardens where Dira's toilet needs once created problems for a brass band.

For those who want a sneak preview there will be open days in September when you can test out the seating to get ideas for future experiences.

We do hope that Steve Rider is the guest of honour to provide the commentary in the style of his football and other sports related  commentary. He could comment on each of the VIPs as they kick the football of ferry celebration, racing like Nigella Mansell towards naming.

Dira may have a bun in the oven but she will have a full cake or cake related dessert in the oven and fridge for this event. She is creating Wight Ryder Apple Banoffee Cream Pie on the day of the naming and we are inviting our friends over to celebrate what will easily be the most exciting arrival of a catamaran or catamara related vessel this year. At least since Red Jet 5 stole our hearts like a rather over zealous donor card salesman.

If anyone would like Dira’s recipe we will post this to our website in our new section called “Dira’s Ferry Related Recipes Section” though we must warn that the recipes are subject to copyright and Sara Lee had better not get any ideas as we are not afraid of using legal measures to protect our recipes and recipe related ideas.

We are tempted to send Apple Banoffee to Mr Bog at Wightlink to mark this happy event but do not want to make a stink with the outside caterers who no doubt will be put to shame by Dira’s triumph for modern dessert making.

Steven Rider looking like he is letting out some wind and feeling rather proud of himself whilst hosting live football on Indepdent Television 1's channel. He no longer works for this channel.

There is a new reception building including an open plan ticket office and retail facilities. The marshalling lanes have also been improved to provide 70 additional spaces, 70 is also the age of orange faced Supermarket Swipe host Dale Wintons.

We do wish New Look were opening a branch at Fisbourne terminal. We do buy assorted garments and garment accessories from their store and it would be nice to shop as we wait on the ferry. Perhaps the Isle of Wight ferries should start to have branches onboard, maybe miniature Poundstretchers (trolley service) on the hovercraft and Ann Summers branches on the Red Jets for anyone with urgent requirements.

Fishy smelling Fisbourne has been given a New Look. Sadly it isn't one of the excellent value clothing stores but a revamp, like Cilla Black with black hair only she doesn't have black hair but ginger hair and ugly buck teeth.